Psychology aside....what makes you want someone.

Your eyes meet across the room. Your heart beats wildly in your chest. You lick your lips. You smile. He smiles. Your knees begin to knock together like a couple of maracas. That's not love. That's desire. It can hit you like the coup de foudre of French Romantic Poetry. What makes you feel that way about another person? Is it his eyes, his lips, his derriere? No.

What creates that "click" feeling of a man and a woman simultaneously feeling the kick of desire is circumstance. What?! That's right! Circumstance. Think about it. You and your best male buddy are in the grocery store, picking out food to cook later, as you always do. Those pasta and movie nights that you thought were platonic, and always have been until he takes a banana in each fist and gives you that smirky little grin that you always thought was so dorky, and he says in his best Garfield voice, "Take me to your leader". Part of you wants to groan inwardly and say, oh he did not just do that in the produce section of publix. The other part of you wants to throw yourself into his arms.

The feeling of desire is not created by the lists we make for ourselves involving the wanted qualities of our ideal mate. It is created by the little, inconsequential moments you share, that you didn't realize you find endearing and cute.

It's the feeling of lightheartedness that you both get when you're together. What you don't realize is that he secretly thinks the way you twirl your spaghetti around your fork exactly six times is incredibly sexy. He likes it when you dance in the kitchen while doing the dishes. He's thinking, "oh yeah, baby shake those hips some more".

What I learned from Silence of the Lambs, besides the fact that fava beans seem to go well with red winei, is that you covet what you see every day, or at least, on a regular basis. The ideal mate we create in our heads does not exist, and even if he did, he would not be able to meet our unrealistic expectations because, in our minds, he is safely unattainable.

Conversely, you don't feel the need to "behave" around your friends, or around people you know well. You can act out, be yourself, share your opinions, desires, and thoughts in an uninhibited manner that truly lets others see the real you, not the facade you hide behind when you are trying to make an impression.

Who is not unattainable is the adorable brute you are sitting on the couch with, having a pillow fight. You reach over to tickle him, knowing he has longer arms and is undoubtedly going to tickle you back, and you know where that leads......

But maybe it has never led there before. You could have a hundred pillow fights with this guy, and not feel the click. You could have tickled each other until one of you peed your pants, a thousand times, and not felt that fiery closeness that you feel now. Don't think about it. Don't get all awkward and coy! Nothing spoils a hot romantic moment like coyness. It sends the wrong signals. And, baby, right now....you want the right signals to get across. Be in the moment. Sigh if you want to..let your eyes unfocus, lick your lips. Feel what you feel, and let him feel it too. Later will take care of itself.

So, put your list away. You don't need it. There is someone right there for you, someone you know well, who knows you, probably better than you think. Someone who would cheerfully go to hell with you. Or, other places. Go get him, girl. Get on with your bad self!